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Beautifully Broken

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There are moments in life that test our strength and our faith. They are moments we will never forget. For me, they all occurred during moments where I had hit rock bottom. In the deepest darkest corners I had ever been in.

The first, the death of my high school boyfriend when I was 20. This blog started in 2015 as his story, our story, my story. At that point in my life, I had turned away from god. I was angry and instead of embracing my faith, I lost it. All the while knowing full well that Jeremy was in heaven and his own faith was the reason why he was there.

5 years after Jeremys death, my best friend was diagnosed with Stage 4 stomach cancer. She died just weeks before her birthday at age 30. Her husband was a man of great faith and gave me her devotional, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. I turned to this devotional in an attempt to find answers and solace in my time of grief but once again, I had turned away from god. How could he continue to take the people that I loved the most? How could I believe that he loves me and has plans for my life after watching two people I loved so dearly die.

The most recent moment occurred just 5 weeks ago, when my husband decided abruptly that he no longer wanted to be married, had an affair and made it clear the future plans we had been making were over. This experience is still very raw and each day I feel as if I am on an emotional roller coaster. I felt myself falling back into the dark place that had previously consumed me. I made a conscious decision to pour myself into my faith and not run from god this time.

Now don’t let me fool you, god and I were still a work in progress up to this point. I had just started attending church on a regular basis again, praying and reading my devotional daily. 2 weeks before this happened, I had joined a faith based book club. Clearly god knew well before I did that I would need these women, my Chick_Tribe. Luckily, gods love is unconditional. He has forgiven me for the times I have turned away from him and he is patient with me while I continue to find my way.

Soon after the world started to find out what was happening in my marriage, those of faith in my life poured their prayers over me and a common verse started sticking out.

“Jesus Replied, You do not understand now what I am doing, but someday you will” – John 13:7

At first I didn’t want to think of it that way. How could there be something bigger here? I had always believed that my husband was the something bigger. God had handpicked him for me to fill the hole in my heart left by Jeremy’s death and to support me while I watched Natasha be called home to god. He was my forever. We took vows and I take those vows very seriously.

I still do not know what god’s long term plan is for me but I am listening in ways that I never have before. On a daily basis God speaks to me so clearly. Today’s devotional included the passage “Approach this day with awareness of who is boss. Don’t try to figure out what is happening. Simply trust Me and thank Me in advance for the good that will come out of it all. I know the plans I have for you, and they are good. – Isaiah 55:9-11 & Jeremiah 29:11. I read that this morning before church. Then clearer then ever during today’s sermon god directed me to reach out to our youth pastor and volunteer to work with the youth group. I’ll let yall know how that goes!

Today, I stand in an ok place. I am not good, but I am also not bad. I know that divorce is a grieving process and for me that grieving process has dug up wounds from my past experiences with grief and abandonment that I now have to deal with too. But I know my god is good. My god is going to protect me. He will wrap his arms around me and shower me in peace and grace. My god is going to use me to do his work. I am clay and I am going to let him mold me.

Until next time!

– Kate

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