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Raw

Usually I don’t make blog post so close together, but I am having a moment where I need to be open and honest about my brokenness. My blogs normally have a biblical message attached to them and that’s the focus of that post. But tonight there’s no message. It’s just my feelings, spilled out on this page.

Divorce is so fucking hard. My mother will say that dropping the F bomb was unnecessary and unladylike but it provides an emphasis that people need to understand. Set aside how lonely I am and how much I miss my husband, the embarrassment that comes from divorce is so painful. People snicker. I hear them snickering. Their judgment radiates off them like heat straight from the freaking sun. She couldn’t make their marriage work. He left her. Their marriage didn’t last very long. Oh they are one of those couples. I’m not going to say I didn’t have a hand in the failure of my marriage, because I did. I could have done things differently. But I am not the one who gave up on my marriage. My marriage was fixable. It was not at a point where forgoing it was the only option. I did not make this choice for us. I begged and pleaded. I cried. I scheduled counseling that was inevitable canceled. I deserve more. I deserved to be fought for. I deserve better. Initially I took the blame. I was guilted and manipulated into thinking this was my fault. But those lies are the work of years of emotional and verbal negligence. There are forces in this world, people in this world, who did not want our marriage to work. And our marriage fell into those hands and there was no coming back from that. It’s funny, I thought we were going to announcing a baby in the new year, not a divorce.

I am currently a youth leader at my church. Over the past month we have been doing a series on relationships and dating. Two weeks ago I gave a talk about #singlelife. More specifically, being single because of divorce. I thought I was going to be a crying mess. But i made it through the whole talk and answered questions about my divorce without shedding a tear. Last night the pastor at my church and his wife gave a talk about marriage and family. I had to excuse myself not once, but twice to go cry. It really hit home, hearing all the things Steve and Andrea have done to strengthen their marriage into this dynamic relationship they have today. Steve was the pastor that married us and we completed our premarital counseling with him. He hit multiple points in this talk that he had discussed with Chad and I. That summer before we were married we agreed about all these things. We were on the same page. I don’t know how we ended up so many chapters apart. The hardest part was knowing that we are never going to be that strong, dynamic couple.

After the talk, I started to talk with Steve and became extremely emotional. To be honest, I’m getting emotional right now thinking about that moment. Andrea then joined us and with them I cried and they prayed over me. It was a powerful prayer. I sobbed. Snotty, blubbering sobs. In his prayer, Steve asked god, that if there is any way to restore this marriage, to allow there to be healing and allow Chad and I to come back together. I realized in that moment, I had stopped praying for that months ago. I stopped believing that it was still possible for things to work out. I don’t know if they will. I don’t know if that’s gods will for my life anymore. But I have to continue to pray for it because I have never been willing to give up on this marriage, even when everyone around me has. My prayers are powerful. They may not be answered but they are still powerful and no prayer is too little or too big.

Abandonment is something I have a long struggle of dealing with. Jeremy’s death, Natasha’s death, Chad leaving me. This roller coaster I am on is rough. Some days I feel strong and confident. Others I am completely broken and have never felt so alone.

The thought of having to start over, moving on and dating someday makes me absolutely sick. How can I even consider those things after this? How can I trust again? How do I know I won’t end up in the exact same situation again? I am not ready for that. But this gives me the opportunity to work on me. I have a lot to work through. I want to be completely stable with who I am. Maybe I won’t ever get married again. Can you blame me? Who wouldn’t be gun shy? I had a boyfriend die and a husband leave. The ideas that I had of what my future was going to be like are gone. They fell apart when Chad left. Raising 2 children with my wonderful husband on our farm is not my realty anymore. Maybe my new future looks like a small ranch house in town with my 2 dogs. Win the best aunt award every year and dedicating my life to saving kids who other teachers gave up on and sharing my faith with the world. Regardless of the outcome of my life, I leave it in gods hands.

That doesn’t quite make up for the hurt in the here and now but I believe that someday I am going to look back on this and realize, in Garth’s words “some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”. (You know you all sang it in your head 😂)

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