Most people don’t know this, but Chad and I tried for 8 months to get pregnant. We started trying to conceive not long after we got married because we had a timeline we were trying to follow. The first few months we just tried and didn’t think too much about it. But the 6 months following we tracked and we tried and we tracked and we tried and it was so defeating. Each month I would wait and wait and then become so disappointed when it didn’t work.
In November I saw a new OBGYN. We discussed our failed attempts at pregnancy and he gave us until February, then we would start fertility testing. We never made it that far….and to this day, I still don’t know if I can get pregnant.
This Mother’s Day has me pretty out of sorts. I miss my husband today. My hope was that at the beginning of the year we would be announcing we were pregnant, not getting a divorce. And if we were still together I would think that by this point we would be pregnant and I’d be celebrating my first Mother’s Day, sporting my baby belly. So ya, today I’m feeling really defeated.
I tell myself all the time, clearly god knew something I didn’t. He knew that Chad was going to leave me and luckily he kept us from getting pregnant to avoid more complications. But it is still an overwhelming hurt even knowing it wasn’t gods will.
We had picked out names. We just knew we were going to have a boy. And we were going to name him Jameson Samuel. His middle name was picked in memory of Chad brother Sam, who passed away when he was14. We had nursery a theme picked out. Farming of course. And we had picked up a few cute things here and there for decoration because we just knew it was going to happen soon.
All my life I have wanted to be a mother. I love my nieces and nephew as if they are my own. Most of my friends have children and I couldn’t wait to share those same moments with my husband and my children. Anytime I could get baby snuggles I would and people would constantly tell me how I was going to be a great mom. Chad would tell me how he couldn’t wait to start our family and I would tell him all the time what an amazing father he was going to be. I just knew we were going to have a happy and healthy family filled with so much love. The dream our family now shattered, never to exist.
Aside from the sheer embarrassment of being divorced and having to enter the dating world again someday bearing that stigma, I also have no idea whether I can have a baby. I have struggled with reproductive issues since I was a young teenager. Severe cramping, cysts and PCOS have been a constant. I had a lot of anxiety about trying to get pregnant. Chad just didn’t understand it. Even shaming me by saying once “you get so stressed out about trying to get pregnant, what are you going to do when we actually have a baby and I’m not around and you have to do everything yourself because I’m always working”.
Now I have the same anxiety but multiplied because I am already 28 and by the time I finally allow someone into my life and struggle through the 10 years it will take me to trust someone again to the point of even considering having a child with them, will I even be able to conceive? I’m not getting any younger and now I have so much doubt in marriage and trust. I’m not even sure I believe in marriage anymore. If Chad and I could be together for 5 years, get married and plan a family and he just walks out like it’s nothing, anyone can leave at any point. Time doesn’t matter. Marriage doesn’t matter. Love and commitment don’t matter. People just leave.
The onion layers that are now my life seem like they are never going to stop unraveling. And today is just one of those days when pain I never expected creeps up and hits me like a ton of bricks. So I pray. I pray that god removes this pain because I can’t take the burden of it alone and he is the only one who can pull me through this storm. I just try to keep remembering that god does not cause pain without allowing something new to be born – Isaiah 66;9 despite how severe the pain is.