As I start writing this blog, I am sitting on an airplane, taking my first solo flight, the first flight I’ve ever taken without Chad as well.
All my life I have limited myself. I have been so scared of the what if’s that I missed out on a lot of opportunities. I have never been truly brave, but he always pushed me out of my comfort zone. I didn’t think I could be brave without him either. But here I am!
I decided in the late winter that I was going to take myself to Disney. It was a divorce gift to myself of sorts. After our honeymoon he swore he would never take my back. Well sucker, I’m taking myself!
Unlike our honeymoon, I got to take the reins and plan the trip just the way I wanted it. Every attraction, ride and character is meticulously timed out and ready for me!
I’ll be headed off to Austin Texas in early August too. Two big trips in one summer, who the heck am I?
I let a man control too many parts of my life for far too long. Would he have told me no, i can’t go on a trip? Absolutely not. But instead of enjoying myself, I would have been too consumed by what was happening at home. Are the dogs ok? Did he water the horses? Does he have clean underwear? How gross is the house going to be when I get home?
What kind of life is that?
We did a lot of pretending. Pretending we were happy, pretending we were ok, pretending we had a healthy marriage, pretending his mom didn’t hate me, pretending I didn’t resent him for how badly she treated me, pretending we were going to be able to make it work. Heck, at the end I think we were just plan pretending that we liked each other at all. I think we both just thought it would miraculously get better. I wanted to work on things, I had hope, but he just wanted out.
Sure, without chad I may have never gotten on my first plane. I would have never flown across the world to Japan either. But the key words there are “with chad”. I am no longer with chad. I am thankful for the experiences though. He opened up doorways for me that I would probably never have opened on my own. By leaving in the way he did, he taught me to be strong and stand on my own two feet again.
These days, I’m opening my own damn doors!
For a brief moment, sitting on the tarmac I felt a ping of sadness, for what was lost, for what could have been.
But now, I’m sitting in my window seat, my plane just took off, and I’m watching the wide open world under me fly by. It’s down there, waiting for me. I can conquer it if I want or I can just let it be. It’s my life, my choice and my future. No one else gets to dictate it anymore.