I have known a tremendous amount of grief in my life. At 20 I buried my first love and soulmate. At 25 my best friend and role model died from cancer and at 26 the brother I never had overdosed.
Each of those moments required me to dig deep and find some way to keep going through all the tragedy.
But none of those circumstances, non of the hurt that they brought compared to Chad leaving me.
December 12, 2018 may be the date that causes me more pain than all the others combined. Divorce is so much worse then death. There’s very little closure and in my situation very few answers as to why.
But it was also the day that god said, I can no longer allow you to live life this.
I have never openly admitted any of the below and if you are related too or are friends with the Mcparlin family and are easily offended, stop reading now and go ahead and hit the unfriend button.
I’ve mentioned a time or two that I felt like a slave inour home and how the responsibility of all the cooking, cleaning and laundry fell on me. Chad was always working and even when he wasn’t working he was enjoying what chad wanted to do. Responsibility wasn’t his forte.
But the worst part, the part that still leaves me feeling ashamed and about 6 inches tall, is the emotional and verbal abuse that I sustained at the hands of his mother. I was screamed at, belittled, called fat, manipulated and so much more. I tried end over end to make this woman happy. I would have kissed her ass until the cows came home. I just wanted a mother-in-law who loved me. I wanted to have a good relationship. But the cows never came home 🐮. I felt like I was never going to be good enough. And Chad enabled this thinking by refusing to stick up for me and make me feel worthy. He never put his mother in her place. He never put our marriage first. He used his own forms of manipulation and I was completely submissive. I was constantly angry. I was constantly hurt. I would take my pain out on him because his mother was the one causing so much of it. I was a miserable bitch and it showed.
But on December 12, 2018, god said no more. It’s funny how hindsight is 20/20. What I thought would be the death of me was actually what has restored me.
I was a woman of wavering faith prior to all this. And I can admit at the beginning I struggled to see why I should still be thankful and see all my blessings. But god continued to bless me and he was setting up a new and beautiful life for me before I even knew it.
Just 2 weeks prior to our separation, I joined a book club – my tribe. Our tribe leader and beautiful souls who make up this group have been an amazing blessings. God knew well before I did that I would need them during all this.
My church: I had been regularly attending church about about 6 months before this. I love my church, I’ve been a member there my whole life and I loved our pastor but it was low on my priority list. The house, the farm and trying to spend time and connect with my husband all came before the lord. But God knew I would need my church and all its love, so he pursued me and I finally answered. He pursued me again in early February by challenging me to take on a position as a youth leader. I felt this calling hard and it has been an amazing blessing. The other youth leaders and our awesome group of kids have made these long hard months a little easier.
I don’t know if this was god or just good timing, but there was a sudden vacancy in the middle school social studies department at my job. So 2 weeks after my separation and a day before Christmas break I took on the challenge of moving upstairs to teach social studies. I was teaching English and math in a small group setting prior, and it just wasn’t the right fit for me. But this is my calling and I am KILLIN IT!
I moved back home to the family farm where I am surrounded by my people. I get much needed quality time with my nieces almost daily. The family farm is where my soul is the happiest. After being away for 5 years and being so unhappy, it was exactly what I needed.
I reunited with my person: about a month before all this crap went down, my very best friend and I had a major falling out. We didn’t speak for months and it was a very dark time. She’s been my person for half my life. God saw I wasn’t backing down, but I feel he played a role in her change of heart. We are now navigating this life together again and I couldn’t do it without her.
My guy: people say that you meet the right one when you least expect it. And dang if that isn’t true. I wasn’t looking for anyone. In fact, my counselor and I had just discussed dating again a week prior to Jeremy asking me out. I was pretty adamant that I wasn’t ready. But here I am, playing kissy face with the most selfless, kind, good hearted, loving and amazing man I’ve ever met. I don’t like to compare him and Chad. They are different people and the scenarios are different. But I can say, all the love and emotional things I needed from Chad are well accounted for with Jeremy. I never question his love. I am one of his top priorities. He meets me on level playing fields and that’s what I needed. If this is who god intends for me to spend my life with (and I think he does) then I am pretty sure that there will be little to no chance of me being a two time divorcée.
I read a devotional given to me by my best friends husband a few months after she passed away. It’s talks about thanking god even when there isn’t much to thank him for. But as I see it, one door closed so many other doors, filled with rich blessings could be opened.
So yes, I filed my final divorce papers today and one chapter has closed, but oh am I so excited for what the next chapters have to offer!