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Loving again after someone leaves

If you think dating after divorce or a bad breakup is hard, try your hand at falling in love. Love is a dangerous and tricky gamble to begin with. We all want it because the payout is awesome! But we run the risk of leaving empty handed and broke, or in most cases broken.

Then add a layer to it. Add the fact that the asshat before this new person made you feel unlovable. Made you seem flawed. Left you in the most unthinkable way. People will spin countless webs of lies and excuses as to why their choice to leave is your fault. But the truth is, if they loved you the way they said they do. If there wasn’t something internally tugging them away, they wouldn’t leave. It has very little to actually do with you and a whole heaping mound to do with them.

In fact, there will be signs throughout the relationship that eventually you will see lead straight to that moment. We will make excuses for their actions. They will be romanticized excuses. “They keep me at a distance because they love me so much and are afraid to lose me.” I’m just going to break it down for you right now. That’s the biggest crock of bullshit I’ve ever heard. But hindsight is 20/20 and at one point I allowed myself to indulge in the same thinking. If they love you, truly love you, there will never be distance. There won’t be doubt. Their actions will speak their truth and their actions will say, I love you and I want you. The right person won’t keep you at arms length. The right person won’t be made up of excuses and they won’t leave. If they don’t act like they love you….they don’t. Believe their actions. Words hold no value, actions hold them all.

“Love isn’t perfect but it’s also not torturous” “Love makes itself known and it makes itself clear”

I spent 5 years making excuses for Chad. He had me convinced I was unlovable because when things got tough, I would be ready to run away. But what I’m realizing now is that his actions should have never put me in a position to be ready to run. His actions should have comforted my fears and I should have felt stable enough that I would never have considered wanting to leave. I should have never felt like I needed this grand gesture where he chases me down and professes his love to turn me around to come home. Those gestures should have happened daily, in the small sentimental way that allows love to continue to grow. He just wasn’t the kind of love I needed.

Now this next part isn’t me trying to compare Chad and Jeremy. As I’ve said before, they are two different people and I was a different version of myself with Chad then I am with Jeremy. This is just about how I am fulfilled now versus how I wasn’t then.

So when I realized I was falling in love with Jeremy, every red light and warning sign went off. I wasn’t sure I was ready to be in love. But as it often happens, we don’t get many choices when it comes to matters of the heart. I don’t believe that god puts people in your life without a reason.

Jeremy and I had our first fight about a month ago. Me, being my typical defensive self, was completely ready to shut down. Our fight occurred via a text message and it bothered me for a few days after the fact. So I sought the advice of my dear friend who has been my spiritual and relationship counselor over the last 9 months. She gave me “rules for fighting” to take back to Jeremy and discuss. So I did, expecting him to bulk up and become dismissive of my recommendations. To my surprise, he agreed with everything! He didn’t bulk. He didn’t make any excuses. He found it all to be helpful and healthy. We haven’t had a fight since, but I have a feeling when we do, it’s going to be a different dynamic and exactly what a healthy relationship should have.

Those are actions of the heart. Those are actions of love. I didn’t have to threaten to leave. He didn’t have to chase me. There was no grand gesture of love. There were two people who care about each other enough to work through the problem in a mature manner because we want to make this work.

I believe Jeremy and I are meant to be. I believe he is my person. It was monumental moment when I realized that, because it occurred to me that Chad never was. I never called Chad my person. I never referred to him as my soulmate. That term had always been left with Jeremy # 1. Jeremy Chad was always my soulmate. Until Jeremy #2 came along. Suddenly, one day, I felt the unnerving notion to call Jeremy Walter my soulmate. And there you have it folks. It’s funny how that happens.

As humans who have such strong ties to love and family and emotion, we wait around and give undeserving people too many chances. We hope they will get their act together instead of shutting the door as we should. I believe we do this because we don’t love ourself enough. We give others too much power to love us instead of giving the power to ourselves. We believe that if we arnt loved by another there is something wrong with us. But what’s wrong is we don’t love ourselves first. How can we expect someone else to love us, if we don’t even love ourselves? It is only once we learn how to love who we are that we can give love and receive it in return.

I’ve spent 9 months in counseling learning to separate the lies I was told about my flaws from the actual flaws I have. Turns out, IM NOT SO MESSED UP AFTER ALL! Once I realized that, once I could push those lies away, I learned to like who I was. Then I learned to love who I was. Then I started to become proud of who I am. I began to stand tall and bask in my strength. And that’s when god said, here is a man who is deserving of your love and who will pour into you as much as you pour into him.

Don’t be afraid to close a door that only leads to heartache. Don’t be afraid to be selfish and put yourself first. Learn to love not only your good qualities, but your flaws. And then, be picky, and only give all of that to someone deserving of it all.

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