I think we have all been in that place. The place where we thought we had met the person we were going to spend the rest of our lives with. The person that you couldn’t imagine doing life without.
But that relationship inevitably ends.
It took me a long time to get to this point after my marriage ended, but after a while, I started to see the flaws and red flags that stuck out. The ones I flatly ignored.
I think when you love someone enough, you look past the things that you dislike, because no ones perfect. But over time, sometimes those dislikes, become game changers, and you have to decide whether you going to overlook those things too.
I did. I did up until the very end of my marriage. And the end, was the biggest blessing god has given me to date.
Because I got to be rid of the burdens that were weighing me down. I get to be rid of the chains that tied me to wanting to make it work, when it so clearly wasn’t, and never would.
It’s refreshing to be able to sit here and say, that I am thankful for the heartache. It brought me back to the person I used to be. Long before Chad, I lost that person. But the end of my life with him helped me break the pattern of bending for the man I love until I broke.
But before any of the following could happen, I had to be in a better place myself. It takes a lot of self love and reflection to overcome any relationship that tore you apart. I know it’s cliche but the saying “you have to love yourself before you can truly love another” is so true. Until you sit with your bullshit and understand the role you played in it all (because let’s be honest, if you stayed with this person for any amount of time, regardless of your excuses why you stayed, you enabled it.) you will continue to carry those bad habits into your future relationships. A lot of time and co pays went into therapy sessions that’s helped me explain and then rebuke the negative thoughts and habits that plagued my relationships. I looked back into the past, pin pointed where it all started, and reversed that thinking.
Only then, was I ready to allow someone new in.
I had a pretty hefty set of standards for the next person that came into my life. I was lucky enough to find someone who fit the bill. His ability to check off the boxes was not the only reason why I know he’s the right person though.
All the things that the person before used to tear you apart, the right person won’t do. You will be a priority and you won’t have to fight for that.
The right person, will be supportive of your interest, hobbies and goals. You won’t have to beg them to be involved in those things with you. They will engage because you asked them too, not because they feel forced.
My ex husband and I used to fight a lot about things I enjoyed or wanted to do. It seemed like he couldn’t be bothered with them. I’d have to beg him to help me with a project I wanted to do. Needless to say, I did a lot of things alone. I’ve actually learned to enjoy my alone time and independence. And don’t feel the need to have my significant other attend everything I want to do with me. But when I do have something I want to do and share with Jeremy, he’s always on board, because he knows it’s important to me to share some of my interest with him. We do that for each other. I had a project last summer I wanted to complete. I was dying for a hammock in our back yard. I’ve always wanted a nice hammock. I had planned out building a base that it could hang from and Jeremy helped me build it. That hammock gives me more joy than almost anything in my life. I look forward to mornings I lay in it and drink my coffee and afternoons when I fall asleep in the breeze. I waited 4 years for that hammock.
The person you are supposed to be with will communicate, they will listen, they will understand that you may be broken and struggle to deal with the last attempt you made at finding the right one. The right one will be understanding, they will prove themselves. Not through manipulation and force but through honesty and time.
It’s the little things that add up. The continual love and support, even during the rough patches. Because there will be hard times. No relationship goes without anger and sadness. Every couple will argue and make up. But it’s knowing that person has your back, even when you don’t really like them that matters the most.
But even more importantly, the right person will never make you feel an ounce of what the wrong person did. Those feelings that made you sick, upset, crazy, jealous, angry, hurt and alone, the right person will never make feel. Point blank.